These days

*The first few lines came to me in a dream, and I finished writing it when I woke

These days I cry much more

Because I am lost and still not found

Because my mother speaks over me

Because my sisters couldn’t care less

Because I would rather be asleep then awake

Because the gravity of the truth is too much to take

Because I feel trapped inside a nightmare

Because of You

These days I cry much more

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Addiction

A rat on a wheel

In a glass cage

the wheel spins faster now

Faster

Spinning faster, and faster still

the creature inside

collapses

placed inside a used shoebox

buried with the earth

shattered glass

broken pieces

fragments of what physically was but is no more-

Dead men know nothing of freedom

The Wheels continue Spinning

Beyond the clouds

I.

Meet me in the sky

past the clouds, way up high

You’ll recognize me, I’ll look just the way I did when I left

I haven’t  got much time my precious little one

My body is expiring at a rapid rate

Meet me in the sky

You’ll have to come look for me

By then you’ll be a full grown man

I wont recognize you

But you’ll be

Just the way you were before you left

Meet me in the sky

way beyond the clouds

II.

Dont be sad, 

I’m With the clouds, and sun warm breeze

We will be together once again 

Meet me in the sky

Music brings me back {free-write inspired by music}

When hope seems but a dream, and the life I once knew seems so far away, locked inside, a distant memory only accessible through pictures and writings. MUSIC brings me back

Music brings me back

{This is a free-write I did, I did edit a little, because honestly some of it was gibberish, also had to edit out the typos, but 90% of this was just free-write, so today instead of a poem, I thought I would share my thoughts-Rob}

Each time that I falter, take a step backwards, away from a lighter day, a lighter life

Each time I fall, of course, harder, it seems, each time, each time I land just a little less confident, a little less sure. When hope seems but a dream, the life I once knew seems so far away, locked inside, a distant memory only accessible through pictures and writings. MUSIC brings me back, it starts with a sound, just a noise, then notes, and those notes, form into something greater then themselves alone, those notes, hit by the keys delicately on my alto sax trigger these notes, and these notes, become something more like music.

Playing Rhosymedre {Composer, Ralph Vaughan Williams}, really has changed me {learning it for an upcoming concert}, it sparked something deep within, reminded me of that little goofy dorky boy from HS, who did not give two shits what anyone thought about him or didn’t let it get to him or show them (the bullies) that it got to him.

The strong resilient boy, who had yet to become a man, unless this journey, perhaps is all part of the plan. I am a man, searching, falling, still making mistakes, but I will not let it keep me down. Music brings me back, it brings me back to some semblance of happiness, creating, playing for others, makes me happy. I played for my dad, part of Rosy and I think he liked it, although I know it wasn’t my best, I know he liked it. He always has loved my music, same thing in HS, he would sit on the edge of my bed, and listen to me play, it would put him to sleep. I am thankful for this gift of music, it has in many ways set me free, although nothing is that easy or clear cut, but it has brought me back from the brink of totally losing my shit. Sometimes the only thing keeping me tethered.

I am full of life, and breath, laughter, hope, I know this, this is who I am, I am a fighter, I need to fight. I am not weak, I will not lay down giving up, I will fight, as I always have, and may Your grace show me the way once again. Bring me back to life. Lift me up. Show me to the world. Redeem me. Show them that I am living and not among the walking dead.

I must keep moving forward. {Variants of Dives and Lazarus-Ralph Vaughn Williams playing in my headphones} There must be more than this. This I know, I have lived on both sides, the light, and the dark. More so in darkness lately, but the light has never left me, the light always seems to squash away the darkness, show me this time once again, push those away, equip me with my battle armaments, I am ready for war, to fight, to breathe, to live once again, to hope, and dream, to live in the light. I am ready!

Foolish Games II.

I thought I could make YOU need me as much

As you needed the drug; to get high, to escape

As much as we needed it to get by

I fell for you

Down on my knees

T-shirt pushed up just above your navel

Sun shining on your taut light-brown abdomen

I was content

I took another hit

I couldn’t get enough of YOU

Your sweet musky scent, your taste, your presence

Your infectious laugh

Your sly smile

Beautiful yet dangerous

A smooth machine-

That sweet honey

Like bee to nectar

One hit was all it took

You had me

My greatest pleasure 

this will surely consume me

But that didn’t stop me

You became my world

For that short time

Those few weeks

Felt like months

I didn’t want to give you up-

It is painful thinking of you now, why or if I ever should have let you go. I got too close, so close that I could see the illusion, the eminent danger, but still wanted more. Wanted further into your world. Even if I had lost it all, if I just had YOU. If you wanted me. If you needed me the way I needed YOU. It would have all been worth it.

You were never mine. Losing you felt just as bad as a punch to the gut. It hurt just as bad too, it still does; but this ritual, the writing of, of releasing memories of, YOU, releasing these memories onto the page, this I HOPE, will set me free.

You were never mine, the tears that flow, confirm this I know.

YOU were never mine

Foolish games

I was weak because I let myself go there
I wasn’t ready to leave that place
YOU thought I was weak just because
Because of you or the drug
You were the one fooled.
I am only weak when I allow myself  to be so
It’s a mind game
Like a free-verse poem
YOU are weak without just cause, rhyme or reason.
You have no power
You never did
I just let you think you did
YOU keep trying to reach me
Force me to relapse
But all YOU  see is ur empty messages with no reply
In this zero-sum game
There are no winners
You never had a chance-
Keep peddling your toxic substances on the streets
Shielding the crack in ur armor with ur boyish smile
Your curly hair, hazel eyes, so deep and pure
But YOU are not a boy
A lost one who hides in darkness-
How will it all end
You have such potential
What a shame
I wonder if u ever had a chance
But age does not afford blind naivete-
So it is written in this entry,
YOU
Are written out
Released
Set free-
Such a beautiful feeling, the power of our writings
 Much more then just words, they are the light
In a dark dark world

illuminating thoughts

 

_______________________________________________________________

The perceptions of my life

And what it should be

Have always come from the expectations

Of a broken society

My purpose, my calling, the reason I breath

The power, I gave into the lies

{fancy cars, and fully furnished spacious mansions, money, and things

The truth is money can buy temporary happiness, but it is just a delusion}

Always trying to be what I perceived others wanted from me

But it is so freeing to know

That life, this life, my life

The reason I breath, and wake up in the morning

My purpose

Can be just as simple and beautiful as

Experiencing this journey

For me

THIS is my purpose in life